Title: Brown
Author: Susan
E-mail: susanf34@comcast.net
Classification: vignette, sequel to "Purple"
Keyword: major angst
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Orison
Archive: After the Fact site.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to each other,
not me.

You can find all eight stories in *the blue series* 
at my site here: http://possibilities.bravehost.com/

Summary: How could she ever move on after this?
**********************************************************

Brown
by Susan
~~~~

It doesn't seem real to her, and yet it doesn't 
really feel like a dream anymore either.

It just feels like nothing.

When he told her about her fingers, she listened 
to his words and she heard what he was saying, 
but she couldn't process them and she sure as 
hell couldn't accept them.

Spending the rest of her life without five of her 
fingers?

How could she do that? 

How could she do *anything*?

~~~~

He was holding her, and yet he wasn't.

He was comforting her, and yet he was the one 
shaking.

"I'm sorry, Scully," he said softly as he stroked
her hair, her back. "I'm so sorry..."

"Stop it, Mulder," she snapped, suddenly pushing
herself out of his embrace with her forearms. 
"Just stop it right now."

His eyes widened, his stomach dropped at the sound 
of her harsh words. "What?"

"Just...stop," she said quietly, leaning back in 
bed.

Her eyes filling with tears, she looked down at 
the bulky bandages on her hands, then turned her 
head away from him.

And she wept.

~~~~  

It was too much.

She thought she could hear the words, thought 
she could let them slowly seep into every part 
of her so she could accept them, but it was too 
much right now.

Half of her fingers were gone.

Two on one hand, three on the other and nothing
to do but force herself to deal with it and move 
on.

But how could she?

How could she ever move on after this?

She didn't know.

~~~~

He sat in the chair by her bed, his bleary eyes 
staring at the brown speckles on the tile floor, 
then at her as he tried to make sense of what 
just happened.

She pushed him away.

She let him in, and then she pushed him right 
back out again, but why?

Didn't she know by now that he'd do anything 
for her, say anything, be anything?

Didn't she know he'd cut off his own fingers and
give them to her if he thought it could help her?

Of course, she knew and so did he, just as he knew 
that she didn't want his pity or guilt right now.

She had to work through this alone, and as much 
as it hurt, he had to let her.

~~~~

Though she was done crying and her eyes were 
closed now, she knew Mulder was still there with 
her, just as she knew that he always would be.

She could deny what happened, she could be angry 
at him for feeling guilty about it, and push him 
away over and over again, but he'd still be there.

And she loved him for it.

She loved him and trusted him and needed him...oh 
God, she needed him...she needed him...

Opening her eyes, she turned to look at him again. 
"I don't know if I can do this, Mulder," she said 
quietly, finally breaking the silence between them.

"I'll help you," he said simply.

It was exactly what she needed to hear.

~~~~

He could do this, he could.

He could be in the same room with her without
feeling guilty about not being able to protect 
her.

He could touch her face, her arms, her hands 
without being afraid that he'd hurt her.

He could look into her eyes and be the strong
man that she needed him to be.

He could, and he would.

He had to.

Standing up from the chair, he gently moved her 
body over to the left side of the bed and climbed
in behind her. "You can do this, Scully...you can," 
he said, his breath soft and warm against her ear.

Pressing her back against the curve of his body, 
she whispered, "I'll try."


~end~

possibilities
http://possibilities.bravehost.com/

the bare essentials
http://www.geocities.com/filesfan34/

the blue series

blue
silver
white
red 
beige
hazel
purple
brown

Originally posted September 2005.